Why?
by TimeAsunderQ
Summary: 4th Doc and Sarah Jane. A moment of confusion as Sarah Jane reflects. Explores relationship between Sarah Jane and the Doctor following Pyramids of Mars
1. Default Chapter

Author's Note: This story is set shortly after the Pyramids of Mars. A short interlude. It's kinda dark, 'cause it was written in a dark mood. I apologize if this is too terribly non-canon, as I haven't seen the episode that comes after Pyramids of Mars. I really don't know how much time elapses between the two episodes.

~~Why~~

"Why?"

The quiet question startled him from his thoughts.

"Why what, Sarah Jane?"

"Why… why all of this?" She waved her hand around to encompass her surroundings. Harry had left them, and now it was him and her. They had watched the UNIT building burn down and darted into the TARDIS just in time to leave, as everything around them was destroyed. Just as it always was. The Doctor seemed chipper after their narrow escape, having cheated and killed Sutekh, broken the bonds of his mental slavery, and made a getaway, Sarah in safety.

The Doctor pursed his lips. "Well, if you're going to be obtuse… All of this is due to the theories of dimensional transcendentalism---"

"No! I mean, why are we doing what we do?"

Looking up from the console, he turned to his companion, showered and changed, a few days after their ordeal in the 1920s. Sarah Jane was standing awkwardly, and he could tell that she was being serious. His gentle smile faded into confusion. "Do you want to leave me Sarah Jane?" The Doctor sounded hurt. He so dearly missed his companions when they left. They all seemed to leave so soon, tired, worn thin by the harrowing adventures. It took a lot for him to remember that they had much less stamina than he.

"No… No I just want answers. You are the Doctor and, after all the things you've seen in your 740 odd-years, you should be able to give me some."

The Doctor crossed to her as she held herself, one foot moving in a nervous twitch. "Answers are something very hard to find, even for one so old as me Sarah Jane." He placed his hands on her shoulders as she looked away, shifting her weight to her other foot. The Doctor sighed and put one arm around her. "Alright, alright. We do what we do… Travel, that is… to help the oppressed, to discover new things, to save those in need of saving, to solve mysteries, to have adventures!" A pause. "There, is that good enough?" He held her at arms length and looked into her eyes. To his surprise, she was holding back tears.

In a very small voice, she whispered "No. Yes and no. Ooooh, I can't tell." Frustratedly she stomped her foot and turned away. "It just all seems so pointless. We travel, we help, but don't you need something more?"

"More, Sarah Jane? What more could I need? I have the TARDIS, I have my freedom, I have my health, I have **you** and I have a life of adventure!"

"You have me… But I don't know if I have you. I need security, something to anchor myself to. Not whimsical travels in a vehicle beyond imagination. You have me, but I don't have you."

"Oh rubbish!" The Doctor twirled her around and lifted her chin so she was forced to lock eyes with him. His blue eyes softened immeasurably at her shock, a moment of fear, and he pitched his voice lower, verging on subliminal levels. "Sarah Jane, you know you have me. Speak to me. Tell me what has troubled you so. Don't cut yourself off from me."

Sarah Jane shivered and fell into his stare. Falling into those depths, she felt calm, knowing for one brief moment the wisdom behind the brashness, behind the mischievous grin and the boyish energy. In a flash, it was gone, and he smiled slowly. "Feel like talking?"

"Yes…"

"Then let's talk. But not here. Follow me."

He took her small hand in his large hand and led her along the halls of the TARDIS. For a moment she thought he was lost, but after two quick turns, they arrived at an innocuous set of doors. With one hand he pushed them open, and gave Sarah Jane a quick glance, to make sure she still trusted him. Leading her through the doors, he stepped out of the way and she stopped in awe.

Dark paneled walls gave way to rising murals of both dark and light colors. Many couches were scattered throughout the room, and on tables were palettes and easels and paints of all hues, paintbrushes and pencils and paper of all kinds. High-backed chairs formed a semi circle in one corner, while the opposite corner was filled with hanging art of varied moods. In one panel, a man, shattered in pieces lay on the roughly scribbled floor. In another panel is a small child in a valley, hair whipping out behind her as she chases butterflies. Images both beautiful and disturbing littered the room. It was a room of dualities: cheer and gloom, peace and war, light and dark. 

'…Yes and no' Sarah Jane thought to herself, 'a room of confusion. How fitting…'

"Shall we?"

Sarah turned quickly and noticed that the Doctor was standing in the corner with the semi-circle of chairs. He beckoned her to pick one, making it easier for her by sitting in one first. She positioned herself diagonally from him. Not right next to him, not directly across from him, but diagonally, making a point.

"Now. Let's talk."

She took a deep breath. "My trouble comes to this. I feel lost here, like I'm being tossed about with no sense of up or down or right or wrong. You silence my morals and brush off my feelings…"

"Weeell, I wouldn't put it quite that way…"

Sarah Jane shot him a look. "Think back Doctor, when Scarman's brother was dead and you kept working as though he didn't matter. I was… shocked, I was sad, stunned, frightened, and when I pushed you, you're reply was that millions would die if we didn't stop Sutekh. That his death did mean nothing, in the overall situation."

"Yes, and that was true. And I recall you questioning my humanity. The fact is Sarah, that I am not human. As a Time Lord I have an objective view of all matters. No matter what my emotions, I must judge, not react out of compassion for one."

"But I kept asking myself. What if I was that one? You would continue, thinking and judging, even if I had died for my ways of compassion."

The Doctor turned his head to look at her quickly. "No Sarah Jane, your death would give me quite a pause, perhaps even incite my rage. Something not easily provoked but even less easily quelled is a Time Lord's rage. I don't take kindly to losing companions." He was flustered by her line of reasoning. "I won't let you die Sarah Jane, I will do my best to keep you in one piece. Haven't I done that for you thus far?"

"Yes, yes, you have. Physically I'm whole." There was a long pause, and something pulled on Sarah Jane's mind. She opened her mouth to speak, but found that she couldn't. How could she tell him of the nightmares, the mental pain that played itself out every time she saw the Doctor come down the tunnel from Mars to Scarman's house, under Sutekh's control? As he saluted Sutekh's power? As he 'died' on Mars? So many nights she had bit her lip to keep from screaming, woken up in a cold sweat, shaken by her dreams.

Her silence provoked the Doctor to pick up the conversation. "And mentally?"

Yet again Sarah Jane tried to offer an answer, and found that she could not. All she could do was shake her head and bite her lip against the tears. She would not cry! She would be strong!

"Oh Sarah…"

She hadn't seen him move, but the Doctor was suddenly right there beside her, gently picking her up and settling himself down in her chair. He held her to him as she stiffly refused to cry. She was Sarah Jane Smith and NOTHING could conquer her. She shuddered, thinking back to the shock when her Doctor had changed to this Doctor. The tall curly white-haired man had died after the awful events on the Planet of the Spiders, then come back days later, stumbled out of his TARDIS and promptly changed form into this new Doctor. Much to her consternation, he was always surprising her. This, here, now, surprised her. His tenderness. She could never have expected that he would cradle her as a child, one arm pinning her to him, the other arm alternating patting her back and gently stroking her hair, all the while making quieting noises deep in his throat. Sarah could have stayed an eternity like that, but she had to tell him, now while she felt him near her, now while she had the strength to do it.

"Doctor…"

"Yes?"

"It hurts so bad."

She thought she heard his hearts skip a beat. Their twin rhythms had been very soothing, almost a lullaby, and now a tear slipped down her face. The Doctor looked down. "What hurts Sarah? How can I make it stop?"

"For a while now… I've been having nightmares. I couldn't save you… the spiders… Then on the Ark, what you said… Even now you seem so foreign. Sutekh… On Mars when I thought you had died. When you were under his control. It was too much." Another few tears emerged. "I was strong, but inside it all came crashing down. I suddenly knew you were so different. So very different from me and I cared for you but you were so far from me. Then I was apart from you, traveling with you, but not **with** you and I knew how alien… The fear of losing you… The fear of losing myself." She sighed a heaving sigh and lay limp in his arms. "It's just been too much. I feel so lost. I'm just a journalist you know. I don't really belong here."

A combination of exhaustion from lack of sleep due to dreams and the Doctor's hearts beating slowly made Sarah Jane very tired. Her eyes were halfway closed as he rearranged her in his lap and picked her up, carrying her towards her room. 

"I'm very glad you told me this Sarah Jane. I'm very glad you trust me. But believe me when I say you **do** belong here, by my side. I will help you sort this out; I will help you find yourself. You and I, together you see, and our adventures will be great, not cause for fear." She turned, drawing close to him, burrowing into his coat, and mumbled "Yes… please… help me……….." The Doctor's breath caught as he kissed the top of her head. She promptly fell asleep in his arms. He strode down the hall and whispered back "I will. We'll talk again later."

To be continued…


	2. The Morning After

Author's Notes: Well, here's more. I haven't quite decided how far I'm going to go with this. I pretty much just write it when I'm feeling down. Thanks for the reviews thusfar folks. Ta for now. Oh yeah, I almost forgot: I don't own Doctor Who. Please don't smite me Beeb.  
  
Why? Chapter 2: The Next Morning.  
  
Sarah Jane woke up to find herself tucked comfortably into her bed. A form loomed to the left of her and she slowly turned over to see what it was.  
  
'Oh, the Doctor' she thought offhand. Then she paused, remember the events of the previous night, and how she fell asleep in his arms. 'Oh no..'  
  
At the moment he was strung over a chair, lanky limbs hanging akimbo, head tucked down so that his chin rested on his chest. His eyes were closed, and his curly hair nearly covered them. Sarah Jane just watched him for a few minutes, enjoying seeing him not fully alert and painfully enthusiastic. There were few times she saw him sleep, when not hit on the head by someone. A smile graced the edges of her lips and wavered a second as she realized she hadn't had her normal nightmares. 'He must have been here all night. Watching over me.'  
  
When she looked back at him, his head was tipped up a bit, and his eyes locked on hers.  
  
All chipper, without the slightest hesitation, a sultry voice said "Good morning. Feeling better?" He grinned his trademark toothy grin and moved a bit closer to the bed. She shied back from him and he stopped advancing.  
  
"No nightmares last night."  
  
"Nooooooo, I took care of that!"  
  
"Will you be here every night?" she asked quickly.  
  
A moment of pause. "Sarah Jane, if you stay with me here, in the TARDIS, I can be at your side every night for the rest of eternity." He grinned again. "And that's a long time!"  
  
"Trying to bait me are you Doctor?" A little push, just to test him.  
  
"Of course not! Just trying to preserve my interests with a bit to spare."  
  
Sarah Jane looked down knowingly. "Ooooh, I see."  
  
The Doctor bit back his usual reply of "not yet you don't." A silence ensued. He pressed on. "Would you like to continue talking?"  
  
"No thank you, I'd rightly like some breakfast. Then I'd like a nice long hot bath."  
  
"Then perhaps a walk?"  
  
"Yes, of course."  
  
"Good then, I'll get us breakfast. What would you like?"  
  
She closed her eyes and imagined what would taste best right now. "Mmmmmmmm, how about tea and bacon and eggs and toast?"  
  
He grinned. "Sounds very nice! One large order of all of that coming up!" With that comment he gracefully leapt up from his chair and pivoted, his scarf and coat tails flapping out behind him. The door shut and Sarah Jane began to get out of bed, lowering her feet one at a time. The door snatched open and a mop-topped head poked through, "Would you like marmalade with that?"  
  
With a flourish she hopped out of bed and mock-bowed. "Oh yes please!"  
  
He shut the door again and this time Sarah Jane locked it. The last thing she needed was for him to walk in on her changing.  
  
With a yawn she noticed that she was still in her clothes from last night. 'Good' she thought, 'I'm glad he didn't try and put me in my pyjamas like a parent would. *That* would have been most humiliating.'  
  
Stretching, she shucked off her rumpled clothes and put on some light temporary clothes. This was the most refreshed she had felt since they left Earth in the early 1900s. Almost a full night's sleep and no nightmares, no illusions or tremors. The knot in the bottom of her stomach was almost unraveled.  
  
'Now comes the problem of speaking to him. How can he help me? Will the help be worse than the pain I'm in now?'  
  
"Doubtful" Sarah Jane muttered to herself. Fully clothed again, she put on socks to keep her feet warm and padded to the door of her room. Pausing before opening the door, she could hear his deep voice heartily singing some foreign song. She had the funniest mental image of him dancing as well, but couldn't bring herself to fling open the door to find out. He was the Doctor; he'd never do something as silly as. Oh wait, yes he would. Would he?  
  
She stifled a laugh as she slowly opened the door. She walked down the corridor and there he was, floppy hat and all, sitting down at one end of the communal breakfast table. He had coaxed about 5 servings of *everything* from the food machines, and silverware to boot.  
  
"Goodness Doctor this is a feast! Much more than I could ever eat!"  
  
"What Sarah, are you insulting me, I quite intend to eat what you don't, you know!"  
  
She kept her remark and examined the spread in front of her. Fried tomatoes, fried mushrooms, eggs, bacon, sausage, a pot of tea, lots of pieces of toast and a jar of marmalade. Everything for a proper fried breakfast. In about 5 times as much the amount there should be for the two of them.  
  
Sarah Jane slid into the chair and the two of them ate in companionable silence. They broke it every once in a while to exchange witty remarks and debate where they should go next. She was all for taking a holiday. He conceded the point and said he would suspend them in the vortex for the time being. Sarah Jane sniped a joke about how he would be illegally parking in time and space.  
  
"It's only for a bit Sarah, and besides, in the vortex, time and space might as well not exist! We're outside them, around them, but not part of them anymore. In the vortex we don't age!"  
  
Sarah put her cup of tea down. "You mean to say that we don't age at all during our travels?"  
  
He sputtered. "No, no, it's just that while we're in flight in the vortex we don't. As soon as we land the natural time stream catches up with us. It's the difference between standard universal time and relative time!" The Doctor waved his hands about as if all of it made perfect sense.  
  
She was in awe. "I hadn't realized."  
  
He flashed an abashed boyish smile. "Ooooh there are lots of things about 'all of this' you haven't realized yet Sarah Jane! You just have to see what's out there, the infinite possibilities."  
  
"Possibilities for what though?" Her mind was racing, looking forward but seeing only what she had left behind for the moment: pain, fear, destruction. All of their adventures were spent saving one group from another, aiding the poor and helpless. What could be left?  
  
He jumped up from his chair and started striding towards the console room. "Possibilities for fun, adventure, excitement, thrill and serenity!" He twirled about suddenly, grinning from ear to ear, one hand on the top of his head, the other waving about madly in the air, "For love and joy and everything your Earth Romantics wrote about. And if you hang onto that very well we might move into things Transcendental!" This last part he promised solemnly. A quick wink, and he disappeared round a corner.  
  
Sarah Jane was left sitting there with the remnants of their breakfast. Slowly but surely the Doctor had devoured much of the food in front of them. 'His metabolism must be under his control. He never eats like this normally. or at least in front of me.'  
  
She rose and cleared the plates, cleaning the table, and returning to her room to grab a towel and her bath items. Throwing her robe over her shoulder, she made her way to the bathroom and started filling the tub, adding some bath salts for aroma. 'I'm going to enjoy this!' Her day felt different already. She was looking forward to something, but she didn't know what. A part of her mind already knew that she would have to talk to the Doctor some more, about her "problems," but for now she wasn't worried about it.  
  
Removing her clothes she slid into the bath, the suds in the deep basin bathtub coming up to her neck. She sighed and struggled to keep from slipping under from relaxation. Washing herself quickly, she did her normal toilette and yawned, wondering how much longer she should stay in. Something made her pause. A noise? She sat still in the bath so that the water would stop splashing. The noise was louder.  
  
"sarah jane?"  
  
'Oh, it's him.' "I'm in the bathroom!" she called out. "I'm taking a b--- "  
  
The door flew open. "Oh! There you are!" He took in the fact that she was bathing. "Oh.. There. Hello!"  
  
Sarah Jane glared at him, still up to her neck in suds, nothing showing, but peeved that he had interrupted her zen bath. "Yes?"  
  
A little embarrassed, "Weeeeell, I was just going to tell you that we're stably parked in the vortex now and everything with the TARDIS looks fine. The old girl sends her greetings." Eyes wide with amusement he smirked.  
  
"That's very nice then, now leave me to my bath."  
  
"What then! I'm the Doctor you act as though I've----"  
  
"I don't care *what* you've seen, you better clear out of this bathroom!"  
  
The Time Lord harrumphed, grumbled, then turned and left. "Yes ma'am!"  
  
Sarah Jane got out of the bath and made sure her back was to the door (just in case), drying herself off quickly and dressing even faster. A few minutes later she came out of the bathroom with her hair combed out, perfectly groomed. She shook out her hair and debated whether or not to blow dry it. 'Nah, too much trouble!'  
  
The Doctor was waiting for her outside her room, casually sitting, legs crossed at the ankles. His arms were crossed over his stomach and he just looked up as she came out of the door. Turning his head sideways, he asked congenially, "Ready to go?"  
  
Looking down the hall and wondering what was beyond the narrow portion she knew, she nodded. Then he was beside her, and they started walking.  
  
  
  
To be continued. If it should be.. Please review, I'd like to know if it's going somewhere. 


	3. Final Destination Unknown

Author's Notes: Sorry for the horrid delay, college is getting to me. Finally got round to trying to do the next chapter. Oh yeah, I don't own the Doctor or Sarah Jane, cause if I did yall'd definitely know about it!  
  
Why: Chapter 3- Final Destination Unknown  
  
The Doctor took shorter steps to allow for a meandering walk through the TARDIS. Sarah Jane made no effort to move at any set pace. The two were perfectly side by side.  
  
"Sooooooo, how did you sleep?"  
  
"Very well, thank you."  
  
A long pause.  
  
"Doctor.. When you said you could help me. How.?"  
  
"Oh that's easy Sarah Jane!" He scoffed and put an arm around her shoulders, not missing a beat. "I simply show you the support you've so desperately needed, we talk. a lot you understand, and I find out where this all began, and what's truly troubling you. After that, recovery should be a cinch."  
  
"With you by my side all the time?" Sarah Jane hesitantly asked.  
  
"Of course! I'll be here. But not stifling you understand, I wouldn't get too close." This time he missed a step and glanced at the side of her face. "Unless you wanted me to."  
  
She skipped a step and the two fell in line again. "I."  
  
"You set the tone of our relationship Sarah Jane, I could never. Not enough experience with humans, even after all this time traveling with them. I misunderstand too easily. Before I've let it throw me off." The Doctor turned her face around to him, and looked at her levelly. "I won't let it throw me off this time. I won't let you go so easily."  
  
Sarah Jane blinked and looked down, pulling her hands inside the pullover she was wearing, beginning to walk again. Perplexed, the Doctor followed, tugging at his hat and grimacing.  
  
oO What has gotten into her? I would have thought that would be a relief, to know that she was in control of this situation. Could be in control.. Oo  
  
The Doctor caught up quickly. "Sarah Jane, what's wrong? You can tell me anything you know!" A quick grin. "I'm not fragile, nothing you say will put me off of taking care of you."  
  
Her breath caught in her throat, and she began to walk faster. Confidence was one thing she didn't have at this point. These promises, were they a means to an end? Were they genuine? So confused, she couldn't tell.  
  
Yet again the Doctor lengthened his stride to catch up to her. "Sarah! Please tell me something! Anything!"  
  
Taking a deep breath, she stopped and looked at him as he jauntily came to a full halt as well. "How can I know that what you say is true, that you won't run off again. Before. Before the planet of the spiders, you said just that. That you would take care of everything. Look what happened! You come back, stumble out of the TARDIS a week or so later, and then change, in front of my eyes. Break away from Harry, then the trouble with that Robot, then the Ark and you spoke so harshly."  
  
"I didn't mean it Sarah Jane, I was only making you more determined---"  
  
"I know, I know! But it fell so freely from you, as though it belonged." She constantly agitatedly threw her fists about.  
  
Serious now, the Doctor posed a question. "What do you *want* me to do Sarah?"  
  
"Make a promise. Show me you mean it. Then keep it. Just once, get us where we want to go, in one piece."  
  
"Oh now, now that's the TARDIS's fault, not mine! Using her faults against me, now that's not right."  
  
She took a few steps away from him and crossed her arms over her stomach. That knot had come back. Cold, in the bottom of her gut. He instantly relented. "How do you feel?"  
  
"Cold. So cold."  
  
"Here, have my jacket." As he crossed to her, she shied away again, and it made his hearts sadden. Yet again he had failed to get through to her. He held out his jacket at arms length. "Here you go."  
  
"Thanks." Sarah Jane took the jacket and put it on. The sleeves came down far beyond her hands, and it nearly grazed the floor on her shorter form. Looking down, she smiled fleetingly, seeing exactly how strange she appeared with it on.  
  
"Mmmmmm yes, it looks good on you," he commented, standing still for the time being. "Where to now?"  
  
"Do you mean for right now, walking, or the TARDIS as a whole?"  
  
"Either.. Both.. You tell me."  
  
She crossed her arms and smelled his coat's collar. If he wore cologne it was surely very light, but he had a natural scent.  
  
oO Comforting.. How? Why? Oo Her mind battled to wonder if she should ask those questions. oO Who is he to me? Oo  
  
"Sarah Jane? .. " The Doctor came round to stand in front of her. "Please talk to me Sarah Jane, don't retreat now. What is it you're thinking about?"  
  
Startled, she looked up at him. Sarah Jane bit her lip, then answered. "You. I'm thinking about you."  
  
The Time Lord grinned, then it faded to a smirk, then that faded to a pursing of lips. "Wha..?"  
  
"Left."  
  
He stopped. "What?"  
  
"And someplace peaceful. Quiet, serene, and sparsely populated."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
Sarah Jane turned left at the intersection and continued walking, calling back to her confused mentor. "I mean, we turn left. I was never very fond of right. And we take the TARDIS to someplace peaceful."  
  
"Oh.." The Doctor trailed off, rubbing the side of his mouth thoughtfully. "If that's what you like, then I'll do it."  
  
He walked in his usually long strides to catch up to Sarah Jane, outpacing her, and reaching out to take her hand in his. The Doctor twirled her round and pulled her closer to him. Again a little bit of the cold melted away, and she enjoyed the warmth and comfort he created. They walked like this for some time. She sighed lightly and he looked down from the corner of his eye, a playful smile lighting his face.  
  
"Yes, when we get back to the console room, I'll set course for a wonderful planet I know. It's a bit primitive, but the beauty is unrivaled. Fields and forests and flowers galore, all the colors of the rainbow, and then some! No dangerous animals or space-alien threats. Just you, me, and the scenery."  
  
"Sounds.. Good. Sounds good."  
  
The Doctor silently mused. oO I will prove to her, that I will hold her trust, that I will help her through. Oo He stole a glance at the top of her head. oO I can't afford not to. Oo Another grave thought occurred to him, and he thought of several disorders: post-traumatic stress syndrome, depression, and the human practice of suicide. oO Neither can she.. Oo  
  
"Doctor..?"  
  
"Yes, Sarah Jane?" He loosened his grip on her, as he realized he had been tightening his hold on her hand steadily.  
  
"What are *you* thinking about?"  
  
The Doctor took a deep breath and blew it out his lips, turning the pair of them round the corner and coming back up on the mainly used portion of the TARDIS. Her room was nearby to the right. The console room wasn't far ahead, straight on.  
  
"So.."  
  
They continued walking, and he turned and led her back to her room. Once there, he turned to face her, and held her at arms length.  
  
"You. I'm thinking about you."  
  
She looked shocked for a moment. Sarah Jane turned away and slowly took off his jacket, and instantly the Doctor regretted his honesty. "Not like that Sarah Jane, I was just---"  
  
He was stopped by the miraculous. She turned and hugged him, resting her face against his vest-clad chest.  
  
"Oh."  
  
The Doctor gently returned the hug.  
  
"This is going to be hard, isn't it," she murmured.  
  
He responded, pitching his voice lower, and much softer than normal. "Yeeeesssss, I'm afraid so Sarah Jane." He slowly rubbed her back with one hand. "But we'll make it through. I won't lose you quite so easily."  
  
His determinated tone made her look up. "Yes, you. I don't take defeat well. Time Lords are rather stubborn when it comes to things like this."  
  
She pushed away from his grasp and smiled, the last of the knot in her stomach coming undone, the last of the cold melting away. "Oh, I thought that stubborn streak was just you." Before he could reply, she gave him a good poke in the stomach, making him jump back in surprise. Sarah Jane slipped into her room and shut the door before he could recover.  
  
After the door closed, the Doctor stood there, laying his hand on the door almost reverently. A pause, a moment passed. A breath later, he strode purposefully to the console room and set the course for the planet Samora IV. 


End file.
